> back to my stuff
pretty much a braindump of some kind. rambling.

february 5 2024

> BLEHHH i just felt like i could do with an update of some kind... pertaining to this site at least; i feel a bit stuck and restricted in a sense. there may be a point where i completely revamp a lot of things, but 1) im not positive yet and 2) thats not happening now. busy with a lot of stuff, trying to get a footing in ""starting adult life"" for lack of a better phrase. the attempts to move out as soon as possible and all that, haha.

> i do feel weirdly depressed as of late- not so much sad, but more like... unable to get out of bed. guess its just feeling lost? but weather-wise we're at the point where its freezing but outside its just all mushy and ugly. feel like i always get like this. im still doing way better thanks to medication (as well as just my life being vastly better than it has ever been). unforunately i've felt myself getting too comfortable slipping back into my severe social anxiety, and its taking some extreme conscious effort to control this. its actually pretty tiring. oh well! forcing myself.

december 24 2023

> i always consider christmas my favorite holiday, and i think it is (i love winter) but ultimately every time the 24th hits it becomes just like my birthday. i get my hopes up every year and then remember its just something that used to be good in the past for me, but isn't anymore. dont remember the last time it was good; sometime before my maternal grandfather died, for sure. im not a very superficial person, i really dont want much-- at the same time theres a weird sadness when people just dont get you anything at all despite you putting in the effort for them (a depressing past few years on that front especially haha). guess thats on me. i still have hope that one day it'll be good for me again, but in the meantime its just me & the jack daniels chillin tonight ahaha

november 30 2023

> im glad i never gave up on things.

> i have to .. figure out a ton of stuff with my life. again all that stuff about the moving and etc; but im pretty stuck here in this beginning stage. i don't know anyone irl that has had a legal name change so i'm really trying to navigate it all myself- quite difficult. ultimately though, it would be way easier to get this out of the way before i start moving on to bigger things. less paperwork i'd have to change that way, i'd think. it would make me really happy and put my ultimate goal within closer reach... i want to try really really harddddd

november 6 2023

> LA LA LA LA LA i am so excited. cannot believe that i came back here feeling like i was at the worst point of my life and it lead me to being happier than i've ever been.. so cool >__< hooray i love the world

> back when i was kinda posting during that period and i was super distressed i did have some people on here communicate with me with their sympathies-- it literally means the world to me, thanks so much still :P

october 25 2023

> it is my birthday... i hate my birthday -__-; i guess theres a pretty significant portion of people that feel that way. theres just this pressure where it seems like the entire purpose of it is to have people show care for you, if that makes any sense- you're not expected to do anything but be celebrated (at least at this age anyways). probably goes without saying that that was not happening for me, so its just a bit of a negative feeling now. on one hand that negative feeling isn't GONE (i still get that doomprep anxiety about stuff that was bad in the past), but this year feels nice. two of my closest friends actually.. . . got me something?!? :D i have yet to see but i dont even care what it is, im just happy they cared enough to do so. but ultimately this year i just know with certainty that i have people who care about me, no question. it isn't a guess anymore or feeling like i'm not worth the effort to do anything... ^__^ tldr; i love my boyfriend i love my friends now im 22 hooray.

> ... and happy birthday to my twin, windows xp

october 16 2023

> just got back from colorado last night. was really cool! saw a mr.phylzzz + melvins + boris show i really wanted to see, saw thundercat, went to meow wolf, mesa verde, a lot of cool mountain towns... crossfaded almost every night.

> still- i forget that i always get so goddamn homesickkk. i feel like the last 2-3 days i was just so totally checked out in my mind wanting to be home again. just exhausted from all the activities, wanting to chill and be able to talk to whoever i want and hang out with my pets and stuff. all good now :) its october aaand i gotta watch horror shit and god damn i am turning 22 soon eek


september 21 2023

> SO SLOW WITH UPDATES!! anyways per that last update being sad, things are alright atm. just waiting for a lot of things :)

> colorado trip has been completely organized and im going in a little over two weeks!! as i said im seriously looking at moving there, so i'm real hype for that. turning 22 on oct. 25th... it feels like ive been 21 forever but at the same time the entirety of 2023 has felt like a blur. probably from all the depressing shit but we're all good now B) things are so good

> homebrewed 3DS is such a lovely fucking thing, man. hadn't touched mine for a while but i revisted playing pkmn crystal clear to show my boyfriend AAAAND... hopped around universal updater... and downloaded fucking COUNTER STRIKE NINTENDO DS... ughhhhh i fucking love homebrew. people are amazing

september 7 2023

> crying for the first time in a while and i just cannot stop; fucks sake, man. my dad has something wrong with him and we have no idea what, past 2 days everything has just felt so fucking shit and like im helpless. been on the verge of tears and i guess its just finally out now. fuck man. im just trying to sit there and be so good about everything. guhh

august 26 2023

> drawing of me drunk at midnight farming arcane shards from mephisto because im a good boyfriend. i love to make people play median xl. play it now.

> life is crazy rn. in a good way. considering moving across the country to live with my brother in colorado. he was pretty enthusiastic about the idea.. we'll see i guess >__> theres a job there for me that id love...

august 17 2023

> hooooly fuck how has it been like a week. im so fucking happy and time is moving so fast. IN A GOOD WAY. oh my god i cannot shut up about how fucking happy i am. eating has gotten easier too now, can actually keep stuff down etc.


august 11 2023

> only noon but really really really really happy day :") FUUUCK anyways uhh im taking a bunch of old pictures off the old winxp computer from my childhood. ill probably try to share some of the cute animal ones

august 10 2023

> my body feels pretty shitty cause im having serious trouble eating and its makin me feel really ditzy and disorganized all the time -__-

> BUUUUUUUUUUUT that being said im happier than ive been in a long time so we can override the pain on that :P yaaaay. yay

> so weird but the same things are happening to me and my brother at the same time. like over the past however many months some specifics change obviously but we've gone thru a lot of the same events at the same time. its uncanny

august 6 2023

> i hope i dont sound too haterful but hearing grown adult women try to make their voice sound like anime schoolgirls kind of makes me want to blow my head up. okay sorry

> i just wanna make more friends. im very talkative and making a lot of acquaintances but i really want people i can ummm... talk more deeply with and play games and all that shit. its been a long time since ive gone about /making a friend/ and even then it was always very different cause of my social anxiety. now that im more proactive... i dunno how to go about it haha.

august 5 2023

> little bit drunk. had good meeting with psych today. why am i always attracted to guys in their 30s hrlp me. started playing warframe cause i met someone who likes it and excalibur is fitting the zer0 bl2 shaped hole in my heart

> ADD MEEEEE play gameswitg me or just exist next to me im just very kindly soo yeah

> my warframe experience thus far: i say that excalibur reminds me of zer0 in the chat. some dude is like hey i like zer0. he invites me to a party. im like ok cool. i go to do one of my missions and he's such a high level he runs thru and sweeps before i can do anything. then he's like alright lets get you rhino. im like well okay. i am thrown into a higher level game and im so confused at what im doing. i get rhino blueprint. go back. he tells me to go construct rhino but im like oh i dont have enough component things. he zoops me into like some level 25 bullshit. i am baby. i jusr trail behind him trying to Not Die and collect plastids or whatever. literally nervous sweating the whole time cause i went from "woah this game is fun" to higher level "WHATS HAPPENINGGGGG" but i literally think that was so sweet of him lmfao like he was legit just tryna get me some shit

august 2 2023

> yeahhh i stopped putting it off. was gonna try to stay up tonight doing a bunch but i forgot that if i drink an energy drink BEFORE beginning the activity im trying to do i literally cannot focus on it -__- oops. in the morning it is then

july 26 2023

> i dont want to be a dick but omfg how do you deal with people who will just be so confidently wrong about things and then they get all passive aggressive like oh my god stopppppppppp rhhghhhhhhh literally the most infuriating thing. its not even things that are like debatable its just facts LMAO. "period cramps arent normal and it means youre not eating healthy" was probably the craziest one and it was coming from someone that is underweight to the point that they dont really have regular periods like come on. also just completely rolling with whatever people say online lol like grrhhrhhrrhhh

> started playing rdr2 and i was caught off guard by blackwater haha. anyways... super cool. theres spoilery stuff i know about the game but im decently blind about most of it and im excited.

> i keep coming across people my age who are so creepy and parasocial with streamers its insane. nothing is gonna beat the person violently and sexually obsessed with jerma that i found but some of this shit still makes my head spin

july 25 2023

> yesterday EXHAUUUSTED me. the movies were fine. i would say theyre good (despite my varying ethical qualms with things) but theyre not really gonna forever stick with me or anything. i'll probably forget about it like next week. whatever, its nice to get out of the house i guess. hot as fuck though, i was melting lmao

> i had the sandwich and then i fell asleep last night LOL and now i just woke up at 5 am. slight distress for some reason. i dunno.

> think ive been blonde for long enough, probably just gonna finish off the bottle of purple shampoo and then dye it black again. one day it will be brown again i guess lolol. actually, a while ago my hair was brown with blonde kind of 'underneath', maybe i'll do that again but with black. i dunno.

> another nap. weird. shouldn't do that.

july 24 2023

> weeeeeee

> genuinely about to leave a hangout cause i have half a sandwich in the fridge at home and its driving me INSANE.

july 23 2023

> heres my bird. lost my hearing again. have to turn shit up very loud just to hear, its like someone has their hands over my ears at all times. i do not understand why this happens to me, but it happens to my mom too. should clear up in a few days. just sucks having to turn my laptop up so much at 4 am to hear joel's stream, i dont wanna wake anyone up.

> i still really wish i had online friends again. especially when i watch people make good friends online and then eventually they meet and hang out irl and thats so cool... makes me so jealous. i have no friends into metal and, just in general, no one quite has the same full anti-corporate, anti-social media and all those kind of values as me T__T but a lot of you guys do, which again, is why i like being on here. i bet i wouldn't have to teach any of you how to download an emulator LOL.

> no fucking way mr vinny vinesauce caused a catastrophic shitstorm on twitter just by muting a game without saying anything. 18 million views and he's being called a disrespectful no-life angry chronically online sexist for literally just muting the dialogue in a game... i really only got twitter to dump art and this is my first time being exposed to the commonly described experience of how twitter is an absolute cesspool. anyways. i love you neocities thank you for being Not That

july 22 2023

> back when i first got my meds, psychiatrist said that she wasn't giving me anything specifically anti-anxiety because she thought that i might naturally get less anxious from the way the bupropion changes me. i think she was right. its not like my anxiety is GONE, and i still freak out thinking about certain things, but i noticed i've even just been more chatty and interactive with strangers recently. i mean, if i've said anything to any of you, that probably would have caused a lot of stress in the past cause i'm so nervous about reaching out to people. its been easy now! im happy about that

> alongside that it just feels like im in a constant state of mania and of course i love it. unfortunately i am not immune to the manic side effect of taking stupid risks and shit. i won't talk about that too much. my best friend is kind of in the same boat and we're doing dumb shit together. so no worries about that for now...

> smoking and singing snake eater on the drive home was fun even if its maybe a little embarassing haha. it really sucks living in a place where there's legit nothing to do. we have nice nature stuff here and i do all that but its like... thats ALL we have. since im in northern NJ i can get to nyc pretty easy (i take a train or bus, no way im driving in) but i dont want to go alone lol.

july 20 2023

> been playing so many games again recently lol. mgsV like i said last time, postal, doom eternal, some 2064: ROM and world of horror here & there. i feel so bad for my friends because i seriously havent been able to shut the fuck up about metal gear

> i cant shut up about it here either. whats the consensus on the mgs3 remaster? i mean, im excited that its /happening/ i guess, but i kinda dont like the way it looks. maybe thats silly. i just like the artstyle of the original and im tired of seeing games constantly pushed to look realistic -__- but after mgsV i guess itd be weird if they didnt do that. whatever, not like im personally buying it anyways lol.

> drew fanart of fortune from mgs2 a few days ago and posted it to tumblr & twitter. its actually getting attention on twitter which makes me happy... uhh.. pretty weird, a dude QRT'd it and hes literally also from NJ and is followed by a relatively nearby metal band im following. small world i guess.

> im gonna plug it everywhere soz. steam friend code is 208707820. i just like having people on there : )

july 17 2023

> face reveal next week?! maybe lmfao im supposed to put on corpse paint to go out with friends so maybe i'll be comfortable sharing that lol

> falling back in love with metal gear. picked up mgsv where i left off. i love you venom snake..............

july 11 2023

> shaking, nervous, upset, tightness in chest, i dunno whether this is the anxious side effect im supposed to be watching out for or if its just because ive been sorta fucked recently. seeing things that trigger bad thoughts a little bit but idk whatever its not that bad.

> bought doom eternal (steam summer sale..) and im excited to play. also just feeling grateful that i bought a used steam controller at gamestop for like $30 probably like right before they started costing $150+, but now i gotta protect that thing with my life cause i love it and worry about it breaking hahaha

july 8 2023

> its 1 a.m. right now, i'm going to that psychiatry appointment today for what should be an hour long evaluation. we can finally figure out what's wrong with me instead of me guessing, hopefully. yay.

> kvlt added me to the neocities metal webring! made my day haha, what an honor. i'll have to make some kind of spot somewhere on the site to include the webring... and if i ever join any in the future.

> one eval later: yeah its pretty much certainly bipolar (and terrible anxiety). talked about that ive never been on meds and agreed SSRIs would suck, she's starting me out on bupropion and we're gonna see where that goes. apparently should take like 3 days to start actually feeling an effect? im really like, curious about it. hopefully i get lucky and this just works and i dont have to try a bunch of stuff haha

july 2 2023

> got to see my brother for less than a day cause of how bad the airline fucked up. cool. whatever its artfight time. when i woke up one person had revenged me and two ppl attacked me outta nowhere and it was all SO GOODDD omfg i forgot how happy this all makes me. im completely sleep deprived rn but still revenging hehe

> well. im always all messed up after naps but also i was looking forward to seeing him and that was it... so now im just sitting here all bored and sad and whatever. slight distress... hmmmm. dunno what to do. i need to remember to literally never take naps and just push thru the day cause i always get super fucked up and depressed

june 30 2023

> maybe this could be me soon but alas its seriously been like 3 weeks. i don't think that psychiatrist is ever getting back to me. sorta pissed about it now like girl i have had a suicide attempt between when you said you were open to new patients + gave me ur phone number and now. come on

> woke up, feeling tired and sad so far, have to get back on track. bunch of those weird coincidences already happening already and i havent even been awake for like, an hour... SIGH I dunno what to do

> help ^^^^ the minute i stopped being upset about the psychiatrist thing and im like "whatever she'll just get back to me at some point and then ill be like lmao" she immediately fucking texted us to arrange an appointment LOL.

> been suspected to have bipolar since i went to my last therapist back in 2018. last night i was gonna post something abt how i have little auditory hallucinations sometimes and i dont know why. guess what i just found out that might be a symptom of -__- well.. i guess we'll find out whenever i get evaluated

> you ever have people in your life who dont struggle with things like depression or anxiety or whatever and they literally make fun of you for the symptoms you experience thats jusr so nice and pleasant *smiles like a chimp bearing its teeth*

june 28 2023

> me blogging with my cat but he doesn't look like himself at all because drawing with a fucking trackpad is hard srry

> hmmm... i actually had a pretty nice day today :) i was considering skipping going out with friends and staying home cause i was so sad but i was like NO JUST DO IT and im glad i did cause i got to know some nice people a little better and i had a lot of fun. was sad i had to leave!!! and actually im sad cause we thought the new IASIP ep was coming out at 10 pm but unfortunately its actually 3 am for us. wah

> i've been trying to follow a lot of people on here cause i love seeing what people make and are up to. the people that followed me back and interact with me and all that: thank you so much!!! it absolutely makes my day. seriously like using my little chatbox and shit omg its so sweet it just makes me smile thank u...

june 26 2023

> i sleep until 4:30 pm every day just waking up and forcing myself back to sleep cause i dont wanna be awake. i cant really eat anymore. would you believe that i feel bad? wow. just can't figure out whats causing that... lolol except im still trapped in this fuckin hell ass situation so its still a relief from that.

> duende mimimimi

> totally surrounded by oddly specific and unusual reminders to all the bad stuff. trying to not be hurt anymore. its just all over the place. everything reminds me. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh